I Am Still Alive...Though I Still Have No Life: Bring on the AT

It's been a really long time since I've written anything on this blog. I know my many fans (I can count them on 3 fingers) are disappointed and have had to rely on re-reading the archives to get their daily dose of Lyle.

Anyway, here's the big news: I'm going to hike the Appalachian Trail. For those who don't know, the AT is a 2100 mile trail over the Appalachian Mountains (the name almost gives it away) from Georgia to Maine.

"But Wait!" you are thinking, "Since you have started writing this blog, I have learned that your athletic ability peaked at age 12, you have terrible ankles, you were in pitiful shape when you were playing intramural basketball, you are back in school, and you are generally just a gigantic pansy who gets hurt everytime you venture into the wilderness."

And to that I say, good point. Add to that the fact that the last time I went camping with the two people who are hiking with me, a rattlesnake nearly killed me, and I would say: Excellent point.

But I would counter: Even though my athletic ability peaked at 12, I was only slightly more athletic even then. It's kind of like a big fat person bragging about how "that was the summer I was down to 350" after they balloon up to 400. Like 350 was really the glory days.

I do, in fact, have terrible ankles. Nineteen sprains between the two of them. This is a concern.

I'm taking the semester off school. You know how you meet people who take off school and you ask them why? They always get this serious faraway look on their face and say "I'm just going to find myself." Well, those people are morons. They have already found themselves. They just didn't like who they found. I have a free semester because that's just the way it worked out. I figured I could hang around Oxford and work at the job that makes me want to vomit my guts out on a daily basis or I could go for a walk. Easy choice.

You are probably also saying to yourself: "But Lyle, you can't go 45 minutes without eating large quantities of food that would kill a normal person." Well, I can't argue that either. There was a study that was released last year that claimed that Burger King stock dropped 19 points when I lived in Australia. Baskin-Robbins nearly went belly up during that same year. But "The Chicken Shop" in Springwood, New South Wales had earnings that surpassed Microsoft during that same year. This has become known in economic circles as the "Lyle Morgan Variable." The owner of the Springwood Chicken Shop, a man known as "That Chinese Dude With that Wierd Thing on His Face" actually passed Rupert Murdoch on the list of richest Australians during 2001. Sadly, he didn't fully grasp the "Lyle Morgan Variable" or know when my visa expired and he lost it all when I returned to the States in 2002. He was last seen selling t-shirts next to the Sydney Opera House promoting "Paul Hogan for Prime Minister, 1986."

But I digress. So, yes, this little stroll will probably be the hardest thing I've ever attempted. I'm going to miss Pirates of the Caribbean 2 out there. Oh, the humanity!